Honestly, I Don't Know

Honesty. The quality of honesty is one I feel we all seek in other human beings. Especially when beginning new relationships. But what does being honest really mean? 

honest,  -adjective- : 1. good and truthful : not lying, stealing, or cheating.

                               
2. showing and suggesting a good and truthful character.

3. not hiding the truth about someone or something : not meant to deceive someone.

(via Merriam-Webster online)

They should add the word "purposely" to that last bit.

Now, let's be real. We've all been dishonest at some point. I know I have, because there are just some things people don't need to know. I'm for the most part a private person and don't go blabbing my business to anyone who will lend an ear or exposing parts of myself that opens up that door to vulnerability.

I try to avoid being vulnerable at all costs necessary.

But when it comes to the big things, I try my best to suck it up and just say it. Be direct, look'em square in the eyes, speak openly and honestly. Even if I'm terrified, even if every cell in my being is shaking, even if I have no idea how the person I'm opening myself up to will receive it or react. Because there have been one too many times I didn't clearly state whatever was on my mind, then looked back with regret thinking, "Hmm, I wonder if things would have turned out differently if I had told him how I really felt?" 

Sometimes it works out. The action of letting that word vomit come out can actually turn into a nice, empty stomach feeling. No butterflies, no spiders afterwards. With family, being truthful has always led to a good new direction. With friends, it can go either way. With boys, it can go astray. Fairly quickly too.

Honestly, I don't know what the value of being 100% good to someone is when they don't reciprocate it. Haven't quite pin-pointed the purpose of the detached goodness and grace Mother Teresa wore so well. Yet, to know that I didn't hold back and said everything there was to be said is a process that I'm working through. I think in the beginning of a new unstretched territory with a boy, I always go in with the awareness that I'm taking risks. I know that if I hold my gaze to his a little longer, he'll become curious as to why. I know that if I subtly make efforts to touch him at any opportunity, he'll become more comfortable touching back. Yet I also know that when it comes to words, I've been thinking about what I've been wanting to say for a lot longer than he has; thus when I speak I can articulate it, even if I'm shaking to the bone as I do. When he speaks, there will most likely be a lot more fumbling, pauses, "Um"'s "Fuck"'s & "I'm Sorry"'s. 

(Tip: Patience is an important virtue here as well, my friends. I know us girls like to talk, but if we just bite our tongues and shut up for a minute, the awkwardness will pass and he'll say something worth waiting for!)

I lastly know that in the end, I won't always get chosen. We don't always get what we want.

The value of goodness and truthfulness is as heavy as you amount it to be. I give honesty a heavy weight these days. Many people have proven incapable of carrying it, and have seen their way out of my life. But I don't regret holding high standards to this quality. You have to show me all the ways you're capable of being good before I can forgive the bad. Not about to be a sucker for companionship, or allow loneliness to wash over the clarity of my judgement.

No.

Stick to your guns. Go with your gut. And keep your head held high, regardless of all the shit that lies on the ground. It's easier to look down when there's something worth looking up for.

Comment below if any of you have any thoughts to share on this topic, I'd love to read'em.

xx Hugs & Luvin' xx 

Anna