I Gotta Good Feelin'

"No relationship is perfect, ever. There are always some ways you have to bend, to compromise, to give something up in order to gain something greater... The love we have for each other is greater than these small differences. And that's the key. It's like a pie chart, and the love in a relationship has to be the biggest piece. Love can make up for a lot." - Sarah Dessen, This Lullaby 

For the first time in my life, I feel like I got my shit together. The school year has started, along with my new job, and along with my new boyfriend. I'm excited for my classes (geniunely) and my office job is super laid back. The only thing that's missing in my best friend who went away to uni this semester. She's only a couple of hours away, but that's a big difference from a couple of minutes away. 

Besides that I'm healthy, happy, and in love. Basically the only three things that really matter in life. I read a quote the other day that said a day not filled with smiles and laughter was a day wasted. I whole-heartedly agree in that.

Remember when your parent, mentor, or whoever told you that as long as you're happy, everything else will fall into place? Well it really is as simple as that. I remember just a little over a year ago when I was super depressed and just wondered when I would be let on as to the secret for happiness. Everyone else made it look so easy and I felt like Alice through the looking glass. It was such a mystery for me.

This year has been a momentous transformative year for me. I've finally become the person I've always wanted to be. And I AM this person, no faking til' I make it anymore. Once when I was having a fight with my mom, I felt like she didn't like who I was anymore because I had made a complete 180 degrees from who I was in high school. And it was heartbreaking for me, because my mom has always been the most important person in my life. I am who I am today largely because of her. Because she always encouraged me to pursue my dreams and never belittled me for the career paths I wanted to pursue creatively.

She always knew I was going to be okay. Then one day, I wasn't. And she didn't know what to do. And I didn't know what to do. So it just became this vicious cycle of depending on each other for emotional support when neither one of us was strong enough to deal with what was at hand.

I used to tell my therapist that I thought I would always live with depression. Even if one day I was happy, it would still be there. Because to me depression was this uncurable disease that no healthy person could possibly understand. Now, being completely at peace and happy with myself on the inside, I realize that statement is not true. Depression is a mental illness that can be cured through mental therapy. Exercising releases endorphins aka the neurons in your brain that make you feel happy. Seriously, once I started doing yoga on a regular basis, I almost immediately felt better. I had to work through some deep, dark emotions that I had been ignoring at first ... but once I was past that I was able to understand the beauty in simplistic aspects of life that we almost always take for granted. Traveling and visiting my family in less fortunate conditions has also made me more appreciative for the basic things such as hot water and a roof over my head.

Being with my first love only came to fruition once I realized that I didn't need him to be happy. That I am happy on my own. I love me. Once he saw that, he realized he wanted to be with me. He doesn't need me either, but both of our lives are filled with so much magical love by being in them.

Honestly, I Don't Know

Honesty. The quality of honesty is one I feel we all seek in other human beings. Especially when beginning new relationships. But what does being honest really mean? 

honest,  -adjective- : 1. good and truthful : not lying, stealing, or cheating.

                               
2. showing and suggesting a good and truthful character.

3. not hiding the truth about someone or something : not meant to deceive someone.

(via Merriam-Webster online)

They should add the word "purposely" to that last bit.

Now, let's be real. We've all been dishonest at some point. I know I have, because there are just some things people don't need to know. I'm for the most part a private person and don't go blabbing my business to anyone who will lend an ear or exposing parts of myself that opens up that door to vulnerability.

I try to avoid being vulnerable at all costs necessary.

But when it comes to the big things, I try my best to suck it up and just say it. Be direct, look'em square in the eyes, speak openly and honestly. Even if I'm terrified, even if every cell in my being is shaking, even if I have no idea how the person I'm opening myself up to will receive it or react. Because there have been one too many times I didn't clearly state whatever was on my mind, then looked back with regret thinking, "Hmm, I wonder if things would have turned out differently if I had told him how I really felt?" 

Sometimes it works out. The action of letting that word vomit come out can actually turn into a nice, empty stomach feeling. No butterflies, no spiders afterwards. With family, being truthful has always led to a good new direction. With friends, it can go either way. With boys, it can go astray. Fairly quickly too.

Honestly, I don't know what the value of being 100% good to someone is when they don't reciprocate it. Haven't quite pin-pointed the purpose of the detached goodness and grace Mother Teresa wore so well. Yet, to know that I didn't hold back and said everything there was to be said is a process that I'm working through. I think in the beginning of a new unstretched territory with a boy, I always go in with the awareness that I'm taking risks. I know that if I hold my gaze to his a little longer, he'll become curious as to why. I know that if I subtly make efforts to touch him at any opportunity, he'll become more comfortable touching back. Yet I also know that when it comes to words, I've been thinking about what I've been wanting to say for a lot longer than he has; thus when I speak I can articulate it, even if I'm shaking to the bone as I do. When he speaks, there will most likely be a lot more fumbling, pauses, "Um"'s "Fuck"'s & "I'm Sorry"'s. 

(Tip: Patience is an important virtue here as well, my friends. I know us girls like to talk, but if we just bite our tongues and shut up for a minute, the awkwardness will pass and he'll say something worth waiting for!)

I lastly know that in the end, I won't always get chosen. We don't always get what we want.

The value of goodness and truthfulness is as heavy as you amount it to be. I give honesty a heavy weight these days. Many people have proven incapable of carrying it, and have seen their way out of my life. But I don't regret holding high standards to this quality. You have to show me all the ways you're capable of being good before I can forgive the bad. Not about to be a sucker for companionship, or allow loneliness to wash over the clarity of my judgement.

No.

Stick to your guns. Go with your gut. And keep your head held high, regardless of all the shit that lies on the ground. It's easier to look down when there's something worth looking up for.

Comment below if any of you have any thoughts to share on this topic, I'd love to read'em.

xx Hugs & Luvin' xx 

Anna