Post-Break Up Feels

I know what you're thinking.

"What ?? Already ??? But you said he was your first love!!"

I know. He was. And always will be.

But you have to find peace and love for yourself before you can share that love with anyone else. 
He's got some soul-searching to do.
I've done mine.

I haven't written about the break-up at all since it happened. I think a part of me is ashamed that everything just came crashing down in my face and I was blindsided. Like, I should have seen this coming, but didn't. Or maybe a part of me knew it wouldn't last so I was just clinging to the last few moments we would have together.

It was a nice thought, having a long-term relationship. But I'm over that now.

Don't take this as bitterness, as I'm sure a lot of you will. It's just when you meet your soulmate, you know there is no one else in this world you will want as much as him. 

I'll never meet anyone like you for the rest of my life... I need you.

But it doesn't work out unless they want you back. 

It's just I thought I would be with this guy for a while and now that I'm newly single again ... I don't know. I'm not eager to jump back into the fishing pool of the dating world. Dating is exhausting. So is being in a serious relationship. So for now I'm perfectly content to work on my things, my self, & my work until Prince Charming comes along. I'm pretty sure that won't be for a very VERY long while, so I'll just wait patiently.

Too high expectations? Maybe. But if I don't set them, then who will?

I Gotta Good Feelin'

"No relationship is perfect, ever. There are always some ways you have to bend, to compromise, to give something up in order to gain something greater... The love we have for each other is greater than these small differences. And that's the key. It's like a pie chart, and the love in a relationship has to be the biggest piece. Love can make up for a lot." - Sarah Dessen, This Lullaby 

For the first time in my life, I feel like I got my shit together. The school year has started, along with my new job, and along with my new boyfriend. I'm excited for my classes (geniunely) and my office job is super laid back. The only thing that's missing in my best friend who went away to uni this semester. She's only a couple of hours away, but that's a big difference from a couple of minutes away. 

Besides that I'm healthy, happy, and in love. Basically the only three things that really matter in life. I read a quote the other day that said a day not filled with smiles and laughter was a day wasted. I whole-heartedly agree in that.

Remember when your parent, mentor, or whoever told you that as long as you're happy, everything else will fall into place? Well it really is as simple as that. I remember just a little over a year ago when I was super depressed and just wondered when I would be let on as to the secret for happiness. Everyone else made it look so easy and I felt like Alice through the looking glass. It was such a mystery for me.

This year has been a momentous transformative year for me. I've finally become the person I've always wanted to be. And I AM this person, no faking til' I make it anymore. Once when I was having a fight with my mom, I felt like she didn't like who I was anymore because I had made a complete 180 degrees from who I was in high school. And it was heartbreaking for me, because my mom has always been the most important person in my life. I am who I am today largely because of her. Because she always encouraged me to pursue my dreams and never belittled me for the career paths I wanted to pursue creatively.

She always knew I was going to be okay. Then one day, I wasn't. And she didn't know what to do. And I didn't know what to do. So it just became this vicious cycle of depending on each other for emotional support when neither one of us was strong enough to deal with what was at hand.

I used to tell my therapist that I thought I would always live with depression. Even if one day I was happy, it would still be there. Because to me depression was this uncurable disease that no healthy person could possibly understand. Now, being completely at peace and happy with myself on the inside, I realize that statement is not true. Depression is a mental illness that can be cured through mental therapy. Exercising releases endorphins aka the neurons in your brain that make you feel happy. Seriously, once I started doing yoga on a regular basis, I almost immediately felt better. I had to work through some deep, dark emotions that I had been ignoring at first ... but once I was past that I was able to understand the beauty in simplistic aspects of life that we almost always take for granted. Traveling and visiting my family in less fortunate conditions has also made me more appreciative for the basic things such as hot water and a roof over my head.

Being with my first love only came to fruition once I realized that I didn't need him to be happy. That I am happy on my own. I love me. Once he saw that, he realized he wanted to be with me. He doesn't need me either, but both of our lives are filled with so much magical love by being in them.

So Much More

So much more than just a kiss,

to me.

To a girl.

Not to a boy

But wait, you're not wrong.

I am.

I understood everything incorrectly.

Why should we wait for things that don't come?

You should forget

She says

But how can you forget being in love ?

Ed Sheeran - I'm A Mess [Live]

Second Chances

Everyone is deserving of a second chance. I truly believe that.

& yet, it gets harder and harder for me to give them. Because if a person didn't fuck up in the first place, they wouldn't need a second chance, right?

Right.

I'm not gonna sit here and preach to you about having faith in people when there are times that I have felt I've lost all faith in people. Times where I've felt betrayed and stupid for depending on others, and revert back to relying on no one but myself.

But that only works for so long.

I will tell you this, if there's someone you're thinking about giving a second chance to. In life, you won't regret the things you did do. Only the things you didn't do. And that's a fact.

Short & sweet for today

xx hugs & lovin' xx

Anna

Inconceivable Time Lapse

Can't believe it

I can't believe I'm here

& not there.

Every second that ticks by in this room

"Plop", my brain stops producing new cells

Some teachers make me think that being a professor requires vanity.

Vanity to enjoy the sound of their own voice.

My youth is slipping away as I sit here.

Youth is perception.

It can have a fever of 110 degrees that envelops your body & mind.

Age is relentless.

It keeps coming & coming,

Not stopping to ask if we're ready

To advance to the next year

Step up, step down

Reach up, reach down

Can I still start over at 19?

22?

25?

When will the switch be turned

Oh, a huge ominous hand

Shaking it's stern finger at me

Telling me it's time to stop having fun

and grow up?

Grow up

Be young

Whichever way you've gone

I have to go different

Maybe I will grow up one day

Or maybe I'll remain

A trivial loop of finding myself

and starting over.

Come towards me, an unmistakeable

smirk

Believe my anxiety, with all that is your 

girth.

Can I placate this moment ?

Why do you slave me?

I have no magic touch,

no beauty.

You wanna be free

circling, rounding, pounding,

Teaasing, tickling, mumbling

Consuming

And I can almost guarantee in the morning I'll forget

All those beautiful words you uttered,

Under your breath

Blinding me, your love makes me forget.

<3

My Week in Instagram Snaps

I've been obsessed with Instagram for a good amount of time now, so I thought I'd share with you guys what my week looks like in Instagram photos. Follow me @annalereveur. Hope you like xx

Hugs & Lovin',

Anna