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The Tao is infinite, eternal.
Why is it eternal?
It was never born;
thus it can never die.
Why is it infinite?
It has no desires for itself;
thus it is present for all beings.
The Master stays behind;
that is why she is ahead.
She is detached from all things;
that is why she is one with them.
Because she has let go of herself,
she is perfectly fulfiilled.
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The Tao Te Ching
People come and go in our lives for various reasons. To some extent, we will never know the truth of that friendship, devastating break-up, or monstrous family intervention. These things don't explain to us very well what their purpose was, besides to mind fuck with us.
In every soul, there is pain. With that pain comes wisdom. It takes a thoughtful and mindful human being to convert their sorrow into something worthy. Not everyone in the world knows how to deal with difficult emotions, leading to attempts to self-medicate with sex, drugs, blood, money. Everyone has their own shit to deal with; everyone has their own fuckedupness to address.
fucked.up.ness, adj. : eternal thoughts, emotions, past and present experiences that contribute to the subconscious internal darkness that resides within each of us; a released negative energy that can consume a human being if they do not climb out of the subconscious dark, deep hole.
One of the little gnomes in my well of fuckedupness is named Tina. Throughout our middle and high school years, I aspired to be like this girl whom I called my best friend. She had the confidence of a 20-year-old, yet the maturity of a 10-year-old. Tina had her own shit to deal with but that's just it: she didn't deal with it. It's like there was this constant chaos occurring in her home life that later would negatively impact her to make stupid decisions, yet shrug it off. I felt the responsibility of almost mothering her, since after a time I was the last friend who stuck by her side regardless of the poor manner in which she treated me.
On a warm summer day last year, Tina texted me asking if our other friend could borrow my bike so they could head down the bike path to the beach. Tina asking me for a favor so she could hang out or do something with someone else was a regular thing for us - living down the street from me we spent enough time together for her to easily get annoyed with me. The friend this time though ... well I didn't really trust him with my beach cruiser. He was a rough and tumble boy (I mean, who knows what happened to his bike) and the bike path had a deep riverbed. Nuh uh, I thought, not gonna happen. So I made up some bullshit excuse ("Sorry, I need my bike today for errands").
Before I continue, let me preface by saying that a close friend of Tina's had passed away a couple of weeks before this in a freak car accident with some of the boys. So yeah, that happened.
Not expecting my "no" to be a big deal, I get really surprised and shocked when I receive a blast of texts from Tina calling me a priss, saying not to come over her house ever again -and boom- I'm out of her life forever. Whatthefuck?
In retrospect, I realize it was a good thing our friendship ended over such a mundane thing. Had Tina not had a text-breakdown, I perhaps wouldn't be recognizable today. She taught me so many valuable things about drugs, boys, self-confidence. But she was also a horrible friend, and turns out I'm not the only good person who was unexpectedly left from her life.
Funny thing is? I kinda miss her sometimes.
I don't know, it's like someone can do so many unforgettable things to you (make you feel ugly, put you down in front of others, disappear on you when you need them), yet all you remember is the person they were that made you happy at some point. She made me happy quite a bit: banished my insecurities, told me everything was gonna be alright, always had faith in me, believe I deserved better than our circumstances. I miss that.
Now I know that you can't force friendships. Creating a connection is something that happens organically and if your rush it ... well then it's ruined. It's a slow process, but you take those pauses to do things for yourself. Like write in your blog and try to learn things from your fuckedupness.
Go do yourself a favor and act on instinct. Every. Day.
Your gut is never wrong and your mind plays tricks on you.
xx Hugs & Lovin' xx
Anna
