I Gotta Good Feelin'

"No relationship is perfect, ever. There are always some ways you have to bend, to compromise, to give something up in order to gain something greater... The love we have for each other is greater than these small differences. And that's the key. It's like a pie chart, and the love in a relationship has to be the biggest piece. Love can make up for a lot." - Sarah Dessen, This Lullaby 

For the first time in my life, I feel like I got my shit together. The school year has started, along with my new job, and along with my new boyfriend. I'm excited for my classes (geniunely) and my office job is super laid back. The only thing that's missing in my best friend who went away to uni this semester. She's only a couple of hours away, but that's a big difference from a couple of minutes away. 

Besides that I'm healthy, happy, and in love. Basically the only three things that really matter in life. I read a quote the other day that said a day not filled with smiles and laughter was a day wasted. I whole-heartedly agree in that.

Remember when your parent, mentor, or whoever told you that as long as you're happy, everything else will fall into place? Well it really is as simple as that. I remember just a little over a year ago when I was super depressed and just wondered when I would be let on as to the secret for happiness. Everyone else made it look so easy and I felt like Alice through the looking glass. It was such a mystery for me.

This year has been a momentous transformative year for me. I've finally become the person I've always wanted to be. And I AM this person, no faking til' I make it anymore. Once when I was having a fight with my mom, I felt like she didn't like who I was anymore because I had made a complete 180 degrees from who I was in high school. And it was heartbreaking for me, because my mom has always been the most important person in my life. I am who I am today largely because of her. Because she always encouraged me to pursue my dreams and never belittled me for the career paths I wanted to pursue creatively.

She always knew I was going to be okay. Then one day, I wasn't. And she didn't know what to do. And I didn't know what to do. So it just became this vicious cycle of depending on each other for emotional support when neither one of us was strong enough to deal with what was at hand.

I used to tell my therapist that I thought I would always live with depression. Even if one day I was happy, it would still be there. Because to me depression was this uncurable disease that no healthy person could possibly understand. Now, being completely at peace and happy with myself on the inside, I realize that statement is not true. Depression is a mental illness that can be cured through mental therapy. Exercising releases endorphins aka the neurons in your brain that make you feel happy. Seriously, once I started doing yoga on a regular basis, I almost immediately felt better. I had to work through some deep, dark emotions that I had been ignoring at first ... but once I was past that I was able to understand the beauty in simplistic aspects of life that we almost always take for granted. Traveling and visiting my family in less fortunate conditions has also made me more appreciative for the basic things such as hot water and a roof over my head.

Being with my first love only came to fruition once I realized that I didn't need him to be happy. That I am happy on my own. I love me. Once he saw that, he realized he wanted to be with me. He doesn't need me either, but both of our lives are filled with so much magical love by being in them.

Inconceivable Time Lapse

Can't believe it

I can't believe I'm here

& not there.

Every second that ticks by in this room

"Plop", my brain stops producing new cells

Some teachers make me think that being a professor requires vanity.

Vanity to enjoy the sound of their own voice.

My youth is slipping away as I sit here.

Youth is perception.

It can have a fever of 110 degrees that envelops your body & mind.

Age is relentless.

It keeps coming & coming,

Not stopping to ask if we're ready

To advance to the next year

Step up, step down

Reach up, reach down

Can I still start over at 19?

22?

25?

When will the switch be turned

Oh, a huge ominous hand

Shaking it's stern finger at me

Telling me it's time to stop having fun

and grow up?

Grow up

Be young

Whichever way you've gone

I have to go different

Maybe I will grow up one day

Or maybe I'll remain

A trivial loop of finding myself

and starting over.

Come towards me, an unmistakeable

smirk

Believe my anxiety, with all that is your 

girth.

Can I placate this moment ?

Why do you slave me?

I have no magic touch,

no beauty.

You wanna be free

circling, rounding, pounding,

Teaasing, tickling, mumbling

Consuming

And I can almost guarantee in the morning I'll forget

All those beautiful words you uttered,

Under your breath

Blinding me, your love makes me forget.

<3

My Week in Instagram Snaps

I've been obsessed with Instagram for a good amount of time now, so I thought I'd share with you guys what my week looks like in Instagram photos. Follow me @annalereveur. Hope you like xx

Hugs & Lovin',

Anna

Standards vs Expectations

"Whatever it is you're seeking won't come in the form you're expecting." -Haruki Murakami

Being a nineteen year old girl, one of the most exciting things that happens in my life is when a boy comes along. It's what my friends and I talk about: "Let's go dancing, let's go party, let's go clubbing, oh hey did you see that guy walk in? He's cute."

Boys boys boys. It's on our minds constantly, our hormones just won't have it any other way. Besides it's interesting when something new sparks 'cause every person is different and you never know exactly what's going to happen. If THAT's not defeating the mundane, then I don't know WHAT is.

Yet thus far, none of these SoCal boys have seemed to stick. Either I get bored or they get bored or we both lose interest and mutually disconnect. So when I meet someone I really connect to, I have to be careful to maintain my usually cool-nonchalant-don'tcare attitude towards the whole dating thing, for fear I'll fall into a giggly, shy-girl version of myself who shows too much. And it's hard, because for some reason when we're attracted to someone, we lose all sense of self.

When true attraction and chemistry is present between two people, it's easy to get overwhelmed with all the emotions you're feeling, emotions that you're not even sure  you can define. I speak in general terms because I've spoken about this with many of my girlfriends, and they all feel the same.

If some girl who we really connected with walked into our lives tomorrow, would we drop everything after a two hour heads up to be with them?
The answer is no. This girl is a stranger who we barely know. We would take our time to build the friendship until we felt that girl had earned our trust and valued the friendship in a reciprocated way.

So why do we do this with boys? We forget, in the first few weeks of dating, they're a complete stranger too.

I emphasize this sooooo much because recently, a boy whom I was dating made me question my standards for a relationship. And by relationship I don't mean "boyfriend-girlfriend". I simply mean a friendship with a boy where it's obvious that you guys are both into each other.

I don't want to get into the nitty gritty but basically this boy did something which I considered completely rude and it really pissed me off. And I don't get mad easily -- ima yogi. I was really surprised by it too.

After I left him I rethought my actions and wondered if I had been too rash. But then I thought, "If he was my boyfriend, would I have let this slide?"

Uh, no. Definitely not.

If I wouldn't let my boyfriend get away with it, why would I let some guy I just met have a free pass?

My standards aren't unreasonable. I expect you to treat me with respect. That's it. If you can't do that, then byee. Not gonna waste my time with you when I know there's other guys out there who will.

Of course with any new relationship you might hope for your boy to do some special things. Be romantic, say sweet things to you, pick up the check, stuff like that. But those things are negotiable and different from person to person, ever person has their own unique way of showing affection. Those expectations you have for the guy you're dating may not be met, but that doesn't mean he can't surprise you in other ways.

In the end I feel I made the right decision by sticking to my guns, because I value myself too much as a human being to have anyone walk all over me. I know there are plenty of fish in the sea, and one day this dude will realize how he fucked up. Will I be around when that day comes? Who knows. But I can tell you this, I'm definitely not waiting around for it. Salsa dancing with the girls tomorrow!

x Happy Hump Day x

            Anna

Hola, I'm Aliveee

Hi to anyone perusing this page right now.

If you've taken the time to scroll through some of my posts (thank you by the way) you'll see that this is my first post in a whileee, to say the least.

I'm back now! Let's just say that I wasn't living by the motto I created this blog by.

So I decided to take a little break and it did my wonders! For some reason the busier I am, the happier I am and the more conscientious I am about taking care of myself. I know, doesn't make sense but whatevs.

Lately inspiration has been hitting my from all angles and I'm excited to delve back into this little project I started.

For now I just wanted to update you guys as to my existence and leave you with a quote I read the other day that stuck to me like glue. I don't know where it's from so if you do, please comment down below!

" 'How does one become a butterfly?' she asked pensively.

                'You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.' "

Hugs & Lovin' xoxo

Anna

Honestly, I Don't Know

Honesty. The quality of honesty is one I feel we all seek in other human beings. Especially when beginning new relationships. But what does being honest really mean? 

honest,  -adjective- : 1. good and truthful : not lying, stealing, or cheating.

                               
2. showing and suggesting a good and truthful character.

3. not hiding the truth about someone or something : not meant to deceive someone.

(via Merriam-Webster online)

They should add the word "purposely" to that last bit.

Now, let's be real. We've all been dishonest at some point. I know I have, because there are just some things people don't need to know. I'm for the most part a private person and don't go blabbing my business to anyone who will lend an ear or exposing parts of myself that opens up that door to vulnerability.

I try to avoid being vulnerable at all costs necessary.

But when it comes to the big things, I try my best to suck it up and just say it. Be direct, look'em square in the eyes, speak openly and honestly. Even if I'm terrified, even if every cell in my being is shaking, even if I have no idea how the person I'm opening myself up to will receive it or react. Because there have been one too many times I didn't clearly state whatever was on my mind, then looked back with regret thinking, "Hmm, I wonder if things would have turned out differently if I had told him how I really felt?" 

Sometimes it works out. The action of letting that word vomit come out can actually turn into a nice, empty stomach feeling. No butterflies, no spiders afterwards. With family, being truthful has always led to a good new direction. With friends, it can go either way. With boys, it can go astray. Fairly quickly too.

Honestly, I don't know what the value of being 100% good to someone is when they don't reciprocate it. Haven't quite pin-pointed the purpose of the detached goodness and grace Mother Teresa wore so well. Yet, to know that I didn't hold back and said everything there was to be said is a process that I'm working through. I think in the beginning of a new unstretched territory with a boy, I always go in with the awareness that I'm taking risks. I know that if I hold my gaze to his a little longer, he'll become curious as to why. I know that if I subtly make efforts to touch him at any opportunity, he'll become more comfortable touching back. Yet I also know that when it comes to words, I've been thinking about what I've been wanting to say for a lot longer than he has; thus when I speak I can articulate it, even if I'm shaking to the bone as I do. When he speaks, there will most likely be a lot more fumbling, pauses, "Um"'s "Fuck"'s & "I'm Sorry"'s. 

(Tip: Patience is an important virtue here as well, my friends. I know us girls like to talk, but if we just bite our tongues and shut up for a minute, the awkwardness will pass and he'll say something worth waiting for!)

I lastly know that in the end, I won't always get chosen. We don't always get what we want.

The value of goodness and truthfulness is as heavy as you amount it to be. I give honesty a heavy weight these days. Many people have proven incapable of carrying it, and have seen their way out of my life. But I don't regret holding high standards to this quality. You have to show me all the ways you're capable of being good before I can forgive the bad. Not about to be a sucker for companionship, or allow loneliness to wash over the clarity of my judgement.

No.

Stick to your guns. Go with your gut. And keep your head held high, regardless of all the shit that lies on the ground. It's easier to look down when there's something worth looking up for.

Comment below if any of you have any thoughts to share on this topic, I'd love to read'em.

xx Hugs & Luvin' xx 

Anna

Defeating the Mundane: What It's All About

It's when the air has become stagnant. When you can't differentiate today from yesterday. When you find yourself repeating the same words in response to commonly asked questions. When all your dreams from the past have been completed and it's time to start anew, yet there is nothing around you, object or person, single event or time shift, that motivates those new dreams to become a reality. 

That's the mundane.

Yet those dreams must become a reality. 

As defined by Merriam-Webster via online, mundane has two definitions:

1. of, relating to, or characteristic of the world

2. characterized by the practical, transitory, and ordinary: commonplace

Both are very relevant for this period of transition that I'm in. Being nineteen-years-young of the female variation, I made a very big decision last spring when I decided to leave university on the East coast. Now being back in the suburb of California that I grew up in, I've re-stationed myself for the next year and a half, until I can transition back out.

In order to keep the typical dullness of suburbia from creeping into my life, I have created this blog: Defeating the Mundane. I, just like many other lost young adults out there, am reaching a point in my life where I want to take hold of my youth while it still hangs in reach. I want to know that where I stranded on an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, butt-naked with no other life surrounding me, I could survive because I don't need to depend on anyone other than myself.

Now, how to keep my sanity whilst a year and a half of my youth is secured to this small town?

That's what I'm venturing to find out.

Come along with me if you wish to defeat mundaneness as much as I & aim live a life where your Tumblr dashboard is your reality.

xx hugs & lovin' xx 

Anna