Second Chances

Everyone is deserving of a second chance. I truly believe that.

& yet, it gets harder and harder for me to give them. Because if a person didn't fuck up in the first place, they wouldn't need a second chance, right?

Right.

I'm not gonna sit here and preach to you about having faith in people when there are times that I have felt I've lost all faith in people. Times where I've felt betrayed and stupid for depending on others, and revert back to relying on no one but myself.

But that only works for so long.

I will tell you this, if there's someone you're thinking about giving a second chance to. In life, you won't regret the things you did do. Only the things you didn't do. And that's a fact.

Short & sweet for today

xx hugs & lovin' xx

Anna

Inconceivable Time Lapse

Can't believe it

I can't believe I'm here

& not there.

Every second that ticks by in this room

"Plop", my brain stops producing new cells

Some teachers make me think that being a professor requires vanity.

Vanity to enjoy the sound of their own voice.

My youth is slipping away as I sit here.

Youth is perception.

It can have a fever of 110 degrees that envelops your body & mind.

Age is relentless.

It keeps coming & coming,

Not stopping to ask if we're ready

To advance to the next year

Step up, step down

Reach up, reach down

Can I still start over at 19?

22?

25?

When will the switch be turned

Oh, a huge ominous hand

Shaking it's stern finger at me

Telling me it's time to stop having fun

and grow up?

Grow up

Be young

Whichever way you've gone

I have to go different

Maybe I will grow up one day

Or maybe I'll remain

A trivial loop of finding myself

and starting over.

Come towards me, an unmistakeable

smirk

Believe my anxiety, with all that is your 

girth.

Can I placate this moment ?

Why do you slave me?

I have no magic touch,

no beauty.

You wanna be free

circling, rounding, pounding,

Teaasing, tickling, mumbling

Consuming

And I can almost guarantee in the morning I'll forget

All those beautiful words you uttered,

Under your breath

Blinding me, your love makes me forget.

<3

Standards vs Expectations

"Whatever it is you're seeking won't come in the form you're expecting." -Haruki Murakami

Being a nineteen year old girl, one of the most exciting things that happens in my life is when a boy comes along. It's what my friends and I talk about: "Let's go dancing, let's go party, let's go clubbing, oh hey did you see that guy walk in? He's cute."

Boys boys boys. It's on our minds constantly, our hormones just won't have it any other way. Besides it's interesting when something new sparks 'cause every person is different and you never know exactly what's going to happen. If THAT's not defeating the mundane, then I don't know WHAT is.

Yet thus far, none of these SoCal boys have seemed to stick. Either I get bored or they get bored or we both lose interest and mutually disconnect. So when I meet someone I really connect to, I have to be careful to maintain my usually cool-nonchalant-don'tcare attitude towards the whole dating thing, for fear I'll fall into a giggly, shy-girl version of myself who shows too much. And it's hard, because for some reason when we're attracted to someone, we lose all sense of self.

When true attraction and chemistry is present between two people, it's easy to get overwhelmed with all the emotions you're feeling, emotions that you're not even sure  you can define. I speak in general terms because I've spoken about this with many of my girlfriends, and they all feel the same.

If some girl who we really connected with walked into our lives tomorrow, would we drop everything after a two hour heads up to be with them?
The answer is no. This girl is a stranger who we barely know. We would take our time to build the friendship until we felt that girl had earned our trust and valued the friendship in a reciprocated way.

So why do we do this with boys? We forget, in the first few weeks of dating, they're a complete stranger too.

I emphasize this sooooo much because recently, a boy whom I was dating made me question my standards for a relationship. And by relationship I don't mean "boyfriend-girlfriend". I simply mean a friendship with a boy where it's obvious that you guys are both into each other.

I don't want to get into the nitty gritty but basically this boy did something which I considered completely rude and it really pissed me off. And I don't get mad easily -- ima yogi. I was really surprised by it too.

After I left him I rethought my actions and wondered if I had been too rash. But then I thought, "If he was my boyfriend, would I have let this slide?"

Uh, no. Definitely not.

If I wouldn't let my boyfriend get away with it, why would I let some guy I just met have a free pass?

My standards aren't unreasonable. I expect you to treat me with respect. That's it. If you can't do that, then byee. Not gonna waste my time with you when I know there's other guys out there who will.

Of course with any new relationship you might hope for your boy to do some special things. Be romantic, say sweet things to you, pick up the check, stuff like that. But those things are negotiable and different from person to person, ever person has their own unique way of showing affection. Those expectations you have for the guy you're dating may not be met, but that doesn't mean he can't surprise you in other ways.

In the end I feel I made the right decision by sticking to my guns, because I value myself too much as a human being to have anyone walk all over me. I know there are plenty of fish in the sea, and one day this dude will realize how he fucked up. Will I be around when that day comes? Who knows. But I can tell you this, I'm definitely not waiting around for it. Salsa dancing with the girls tomorrow!

x Happy Hump Day x

            Anna

With Silent Roars, She Let's Go

Why do we bother
With boys who aren't men
And laugh like little hens
At anything that is mildly, remotely,
Inappropriate or raunchy?
Where are the good men?

Who take you out on a date,
Don't dare to be late,
For fear you're left waiting?

When did it become okay
To get drunk & just say
All of those thoughts
Louder and rotten
Than anything sweet
He had said, now forgotten.

It's not okay to joke about me
It's not okay to make me feel like a fool
For having insurmountable dreams
And close in candor expectations.

I will wait.

I will wait until a man
(a MAN, not a boy)
Comes into my life
His words swift & nice,
His actions to match'em.

The struggle?
Oh it's real.
It's constantly there, picking at my heels.

A hungry lioness
Breathes inside me deep inside
She's been hunting for so long,
It's hard to deny,
That hunger, that aching
Deep down in her belly.
She wants to eat now,
Before the weather turns to jelly.

Juicy and thick,
The first bite is satisfactory,
Meaty and warm,
The second goes deeper.
Eager and wanting,
The prey kneels in surrender
In surrender to the lioness
And all of her splendor.

Confronted with two options
The lioness sticks her long neck out,
And back slowly into it's mane.

The zebra was alluring
The deer was endearing
And the elephant, well he was such fun
"Why I can't I just, stick with just one?"

An image she knows not
Sensation seems default,
More faulty the senses from all of the rot
Therefore she cannot.

Option two leaves her growling
When the lioness has been starving
For over 1095 sunsets and nightfalls
She knows she can't stall.

Claws retracted
Tongue still salivating
Pawsteps lead her to turn away from her prey
And away from the game.

Breathe that sweet anticipation,
Lioness darling
Don't let your haughty tracking
Begin to undo you.
Your essence is too great
To succumb to petty grumblings from your tummy
Meat is yummy

Yet the prey disgust me.
Have you ever seen them bathe in the dirt?
I have not and cannot
Let their feces unpure me
So quickly
Too quickly
For me.

Let go to of that girl
Who has only captured my toe.

xx Hugs & Lovin' xx

Anna